Do you ever feel like you are doing everything badly?

That’s the question I asked my husband as he cooked us brunch this morning.

“All the time” he said. Which surprised me. You see my husband and I have very different personalities. 

I’m the one with the action plan, lists and 10 things on the go. I’m definitely more highly strung (although way calmer than I used to be) and I like to fill my days off with activities. My husband on the other hand is laid back, easy going, deal with things as they arrive kind of guy. He rarely gets stressed about anything and he likes to spend his days off relaxing and not doing too much apart from the gym and cooking. And that’s probably why we work, we balance each other out. 

But because he’s so laid back I mistakenly thought he wouldn’t understand that feeling. 

The feeling I have been harbouring for the last few days, like I am doing everything badly. 

Not getting enough done in my business, not being as loving and patient a wife as I would like to be, not having planned anything for my mum’s birthday, or bought a gift for my niece’s, not attending enough networking events, not having cleaned my bathroom… I could go on. But I won’t because it won’t benefit anyone, least of all me. 

The thing is most of us have probably felt like this at some point, maybe multiple times, maybe for some it’s a constant feeling. I know many of my friends who are mums struggle with a feeling of never being able to keep on top of everything and ‘mum guilt’ is real. 

So what? 

Well firstly, I think sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are not alone in this feeling. It’s easy to get stuck in your own head and feel like you are the only one feeling like this, but ask around and you’ll probably find plenty of other people feel like that at times too, we just don’t talk about it. 

Secondly it’s not true. You’re not doing badly at everything. You’re just not meeting your expectations, which are probably too high. And there’s nothing wrong with you - you’re just human, congrats! 

So what can we do about it? 

Here are my 5 tips for moving through this feeling:

1. Look at the evidence - instead of your current perception. If something isn’t going well, what is the actual problem and what are some possible solutions? - It’s easy for us to spiral into feeling like ‘everything is going wrong!’ Getting specific helps to keep things in perspective. Focus on one challenge at a time. 

2. What are you currently doing well? - even if it feels really small, there must be something! - Did you get out of bed today? Get dressed? Show up? Try?

Start with small things and it may help you start to notice some of the bigger stuff. You might want to do this in your head, but I like to write it down, as the list grows it’s a visual reminder that there are lots of things you are doing just great at.

3. Remember there’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. What’s the feedback you need right now? 

Is it that you need to take on or two things off your plate? - What can you postpone / delegate / reprioritise? 

Or maybe it’s that you need to make some time for things that help you to rest & rejuvenate, some self-care, or time with people who help you to feel good? It can be easy to feel like we don’t have time for that, but often it’s the most effective thing we can do, we’re not machines - humans are not designed to ‘get stuff done’, so make time to ‘be’ as well as do. 

4. Look at your expectations, are they realistic?

Would you expect someone else to be managing everything you are in your circumstances, with your resources?

Take a deep breath, consider what is really urgent, re-prioritise, make a new plan. Say no to things if you need to. 

5. Talk to someone.

So often we feel like we need to show up as if everything’s great when we’re not feeling great at all.

Talking can help to see a different perspective and get clarity on what is actually bothering you. Talk to someone you trust, or reach out to a professional - it’s literally our job to listen to you. I’d especially recommend talking to a professional if you’re feeling like this often, because while many of us will feel like this from time to time, you don’t need to keep feeling like it. 

I’m always happy to talk & you can book a time for a ‘virtual cuppa’ with me here or drop me a message - if you’re local to me we can even grab a coffee in person!